The Un-Known Feelings

Its a fine day again...no work to do...nothing to think...nothing to remember...

Same as always...

I am carried away by memories i want to control...

The same UNKNOWN feelings...

And i am falling...down and down...suddenly..a line said by one of my friend blinked...

"Tu Bekar And Barbad Ho Chuka Hai...All Time Udas..."

And i started thinking is it true????????  the one who always have a smile on his face...

People called me joker bcz of my funny activities...M i really dumb and full of sadness now????????

Why...???????? What happened to me????????  Why I am like this now????????

I Made a promise to my self that i will b happy in all condition...then Why i m like this...???????

What ever happens in my life is just bcz i made it happened...then why i m sad ...?????

I am really and idiot...stupid guy...not using my mind...stop thinking and listening only of my heart...

That's y i m carried away by these exhausted and un necessary feelings...

I have to stop them...i have to make up my mind to control them...????????

YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!  i have to do it!!!  and i have to do it now...  i m feeling cheer full that at last i come to an end...at last i choose strictly what to do with these feelings...

But then...a question raised by my heart..."How To do It...????"  when my heart is not with me...

How can i concentrate on other things...?????????????

And the answere came straight forward ....ITS IMPOSSIBLE...

I can't control it...i simply can't...It then feeling bcz of whom i m still alive...

Its in my blood....its in my heart..and its in my soul...

I have ti live with them....And I will...

Its measurable moment now...i m feeling both happy... and sad...

I m smiling...same time i have tears in my eyes...I am Purely An IDIOT...

But I love ...And I will...till my last Breath...

Waiting...

I was Sitting..Happy...Feeling Amazing...Lovely...

And then i feel i m missing some one...or something...

No!!! No!!! is not something...its suerly someone...

And Then every thing changed....all the happyness is gone...

Like some one sucked it out from my heart...again i m feeling lonely..sad...alone...

i want some one...some one who love me..some one woh understands me...but why she is not with me...

y i m alone...i m missing her...whats my fault..????? what wrong i did ?????? is it bcz of my past or my last birth......

I guess i did something cruel is my past life...yeah  very sinfull....very evil..thats y i m suffring like this...

but i m good...i never cheat my freidns..i love them..i love her.i never cheat her...then y she is not with me?????

y god is so rude and cruel to me???  i want answere...i m searching tensed..scratching my head ...i m annoyed bcz of lonelyness...i wana cry..i wanna shout...but like something stops me to do all this...i cant cry...i cant shout...

yess i have to feel this pain...its my punishments for all my sins...all my evil's...

i m looking at mysel..what i was few time ago..and what i m again now....

i was happy...joyfull..but now lonrly..alone..like graveyard...

no one loves me....no one cares abt me...

but y always..i accept that i was worng in certain sitution...or almost all sitution.i m wrong..

i m evil...i m bad..i m devil..i did sins...most unforgetable sins....but i confessed them...

i m regretting them...stil y i m facing all this...over all i m good..i m nice...my heart is pure...

i m ture person...my friends belive in me...she believe in me...but stil i m alone.........

and then a sopnd came from inside...i deserve it..yeah i deserve it...

u have to face it ...u have to bear this pain...

and i accet it...i m silent again...feeling that i have to bear this pain is forever...

i want to bcm happy...i want just a single moment to b happy...to feel happy..to love her...

but i knew i have lost that moment...now no happy monet r their for me....

the only happy moent i could get is the time when i meet my DEATH...

and i m looking for that very moment...slowly....steadly...waiting for that good..kind moent..that free me from all this burden...

The Word I Need Most  -- DEATH...